The letter
The grief the world overlooks
Some losses come with casseroles. A full church, a line of cars, a folded flag. The world agrees that these are worth mourning, and it shows up, at least for a while.
Other losses come with silence. A miscarriage no one but you knew to grieve. A pregnancy that was never announced. A friend lost to an overdose. A death by suicide. A marriage that ended. A parent who is still living, but no longer knows your name. These griefs are real, and they are heavy, and yet the people carrying them often do it alone, sometimes with shame pressed on top of the sorrow.
I want to say this plainly, because September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and National Recovery Month, and this is the month to say it out loud. Grief does not take its size from whether the world approves of the loss. It takes its size from love. A loss grieved in private is not a smaller loss. It is usually a lonelier one.
If you are carrying grief that no one brought a casserole for, hear me. It counts. You are not dramatic, and you are not behind. You are grieving something that mattered, and the quiet around it does not make it matter less.
I write this as a mother whose sons were murdered, as a veteran, and as a practitioner who has watched good people go silent at the exact moment someone needed them to speak. Both sides of that coin sit at my table. If your grief is the kind the world overlooks, there is a seat here with your name on it.
Grace to you, by the cup, Tyra K. Little
Say this instead
Instead of“Were there signs?” or “At least you can have another,” or nothing at all.
Try“You loved them, and this counts. I am here, and I am staying.”
The questions ask the griever to explain or defend the loss. The silence leaves them to carry it alone. Presence does neither. It simply stays.
Truth over myth
The myth: some losses are smaller, so the grief should be smaller too.
There is no hierarchy of grief. An early miscarriage, a long estrangement, a death the obituary could not name plainly, these are not lesser sorrows. They are often the ones people grieve the longest, precisely because the world never gave them permission to grieve at all.
Grief 101
Say their name.
When someone dies by suicide or overdose, people go quiet. They are afraid that saying the person's name will reopen the wound. It will not. The wound never closed. The silence only adds to it. So say it. “I was thinking about your David today.” You are not reminding them of their loss. They never forgot it for a second. You are reminding them they are not carrying it by themselves.
What is ahead
September
- All month September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and National Recovery Month. A month to say out loud that the quiet griefs count.
- Any time If you or someone you love is struggling, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is there, day or night. Call or text 988
Carry this
The loss the world overlooked, God did not.
He keeps the tears the calendar forgot and the ones nobody sent a card for. Your quiet grief is not invisible to Him, and it does not run you past the reach of His grace. Take the cup you were given for today, and let tomorrow be poured tomorrow.